10 Things Valets Hate

The Top 10 things I hate hearing:

- "You too!"  This is typically said after I say "Have a good time" as the customer walks into the restaurant.  This colder it is the more I hate this response.  I hate it even when it's warm out because it is so canned.  Just smile, nod, and walk into the restaurant.

- "Don't go off joyriding!"  This is typically said when the driver has a shitty car.  The shittier the car the more likely they are to say this.  "Uhhh...it's a fucking minivan that smells like cat piss with wrappers from 5 different fast food chains in it."

- "I'm so sorry!  I don't have any cash of me!"  Really?  How about you act like an adult and carry at least $10 on you?  And cut the sorry bullshit.  Are you sorry enough go to an atm 20 feet away?

- "Do you know how to drive one of these?"  This is likely in reference to the Prius, which looks like a gay spaceship driven by a smug ass.  Break is on the right, gas on the left...like every single other car.  There is nothing special about it.  The Lexus hybrids never made a celebration out of it, neither should you.



- "Take good care of it!" Is a reminder necessary for your 1998 Honda Accord?

- "Do you have a dollar for the bus?" or "Do you have a cig?"  Both are annoying and both happen on an almost nightly basis downtown.

- "Run Forrest run!" Mostly said by people around Block E in Minneapolis.  I wonder how many of them have actually seen Forrest Gump?  2% tops?

- "You have a cold job!"  No shit.  When it's below 10 degrees I hear this about 5 times a night.  This phrase is basically a euphemism for "Wow...your job must suck tonight."

- "Yeah, I had the Porsche." Har dee har har.  It never gets old for people to say they have a nice car instead of a rusted Buick Lesabre.  So original.  Like I don't hear that at least once a week.

- "Do you have change for a $5?"  This is worst when it happens at nice restaurants that offer freeeeeee valet parking.  "Uhhhh it will cost you at least $5 to park in a cold ramp.  Park your own damn car if you need to get change for a $5 so you can tip $2."

Dogs

I'm a big fan of finding dogs in cars.  Tonight I found my favorite dog so far.  Just couldn't stop licking my hand.

I'm off probation!

After a year of no "drivng violations"  I am off probation for a chicken shit ticket that I got.  It happend a year ago while driving downtown, I got a ticket for not using my turn signal...on a Sunday evening...in a Prius.  The ticket never went on my record but I had to make a $140 donation to the city of Minneapolis.  Thanks Minneapolis.

My old manager is obsessed with me.

About 7 months after being expelled from the regime where I worked, my old manager is still trying to keep in contact with me.  In fact he's been the most frequent contributor to this blog.  If everyone checked this blog as much as him I'd be making stacks of cash in ad revenue.  He even takes time during work to read and comment on the blog.  That's dedication.  Here's a post for my #1 fan.

Inside of the manager, is a little dic(k)tator trying to escape (see what I did there?).  He's a totalitarian at heart.  Can't handle any input and lives by his moronic policies, scheduled cuts being the most prominent.  But scheduled cuts are great for the company, because it allows them to bill accounts for more hours thus netting the manager a bigger paycheck.  Who cares if everyone else hates it?

He is a passionate man though.  He's been menstruating all over the comments since I got fired.  Just emoting.  Some of my favorite comments so far:

"Troy Nelson. You have just fucked yourself. You need to get on your knees and pray that you have all your teeth by next week. There are people that have your information and have been pre-paid to find you. Good luck"

Maybe you shouldn't have pre-paid them.  Not that I know much about threatening people, but I'm pretty sure you are supposed to be intimidating in order to threaten them.  Right?  I mean you can't be a kid who hasn't lifted a weight in his life and spew out threats and expect them to be taken seriously. 

"Allow me to use my freedom of speech to tell you that I think this blog is inappropriate. I think it is classless and distasteful."

Followed by...

"You're a douche"

That one cut deep.

"The manager didn't make any threat, I did. I decided you weren't worth the time or money tho. You are a complete tool. I had totally forgot about you, not because I'm 'a pothead', I'm actually 100% sober... I forgot because I have a LIFE. Since you like to keep bringing it up tho I'll just wait until you least expect anything to fuck your pathetic life up even more. You're a bitch and you know it."

You have a life and with that life you choose to comment on someone's blog who isn't worth your time?  This isn't a therapy session.  Don't care if you're sober.

"That is the most interesting thing I have ever read...you have the coolest life ever, you meet really cool people and make great connections. I wish I was you, truly, I do.

If only more people read your blog or even cared..."


You can't keep telling me people don't care when you keep commenting.  At least one person cares.  You care more about my page views than I do.


The manager's track record of hires:
- Hired a homeless guy for the "Operations Manager" position (it's currently on Craigslist).  The bum ended up getting his car towed and a few drops got "stolen" out of his car.....uh yeah.   I'm sure he seemed like a great hire at the time. Smells? Check. Long unkept hair? Check.  Says gross things in front of customers? Yahtzee.

- Hired one of his good high school friends who got fired for dropping numerous N-bombs....even after getting a warning from the manager of a hotel.

- He got his friend, a well known drug dealer a manager position.  Hmmm wonder why they are friends?  Oh, and his friend got fired because he did nothing.  He would go to the largest account that he "managed" and check in for 10 minutes and then disappear.  He also couldn't keep track of the drop money.

- Both his brothers got hired and promptly fired.  No surprise there.  I remember seeing that "No Call No Show" on whentowork.  He also fired a long time valet for asking his brother "Which one are you? A pothead or alcoholic?" Hard to say with the manager...he's got the mind of a stoner with the rage of an alcoholic.

- Not sure if he hired him or not, but a terrorist used to work for the company.  An actual terrorist.  How did he get through their tough hiring standards?

For being such a small company, it is impressive that it can be run like such a large bureaucracy.  No one in the office cares about results, it is all about the procedure.  Who cares what valets think?  Let's put a ton of asinine rules in place to screw the valets and skim a little more money off the restaurants.  Brilliant!